Still Standing Read online

  Oh dear.

  “I’m not cool,” I told her. “I tried. Trust me. The results were disastrous.”

  And this was true.

  My junior year in high school, I tried to be cool and the results were disastrous. In fact, it was a lucky thing social media was not big then or those results would probably still be available to the population at large, it was so disastrous.

  Lorie just smiled big and announced to the table, “We are so totally Professor Higgins to Clary’s Eliza Whatever.”

  “This is gonna be the bomb.” Pinky was smiling big too.

  Oh.

  Dear.

  “Um…I’m not sure—” I started.

  “Babe, get sure,” Minnie ordered. “You don’t have to be what you are. You can be anything you fuckin’ wanna be.”

  Hmm.

  This was a point to ponder.

  But, perhaps, later.

  A lot later.

  “I might look ridiculous,” I whispered.

  “You’ll only look ridiculous if you feel ridiculous,” Minnie stated. “You feel hot, you’ll be hot, and trust me, babe, we’ll make you hot.”

  Oh God.

  “I’ve never been hot,” I told her.

  Minnie stared at me.

  Pinky stared at me.

  And I felt Lorie and Driver staring at me.

  Then Lorie burst out laughing, Pinky joined in, and even Minnie smiled.

  Through it, Minnie declared, “I’m all over this Professor Higgins shit.”

  Oh no.

  “Me too,” Pinky threw in.

  “Totally,” Lorie added.

  “Fuckin’ A,” Driver muttered.

  Oh dear.

  10

  As Good as I Could Get

  My new posse and I barreled into Ace in the Hole Home Improvement laden with bags.

  Not all of them were mine, but the vast majority where.

  I had enough biker babe apparel to kit out the old ladies of three MCs.

  I also had a new cell phone. We bought this after Yard House and before my biker babe mentors took me on a tour of Phoenix’s biker babe shops.

  Not surprisingly, the cell phone people weren’t big fans of contracting with me due to my seriously sketchy credit history.

  That was, they weren’t big fans of it until Minnie got in their faces.

  There was the possibility that they broke every rule in their policy book by allowing me to sign the contract, but they did it in order to shut Minnie up.

  This was because Minnie was not only being loud, but also using a fair amount of foul language.

  Some customers just stared.

  Most of them left.

  I got my phone and contract.

  We were at Ace because that was the plan. Shopping and then they were going to drop me off at Ace. Buck was going to drive us home.

  His kids were due between five and six, depending, Buck said, on how fast and loose Gear played the speed limit.

  He told me we should plan on them being home at five.

  I guessed this meant Gear normally played the speed limit very fast and loose, and this wasn’t surprising, considering the loins from whence he came.

  Not that Buck drove like a maniac (at least not with me in the car).

  But he didn’t dillydally.

  I surveyed the cavernous space that was Ace as we walked in, Minnie, Lorie and Driver hanging close to me. Pinky forged ahead and threw her arms around a tall man with a full beard that needed a trim, starting this habitual grooming about two years ago. He had long brown hair that he’d bunched up at the back of his head in a messy man-bun that by no means took him twenty minutes to fashion. He also had a hint of a beer gut.

  He wrapped his arms around Pinky and bent her backwards, laying a big, wet one on her for all to see.

  This was when I stopped watching Pinky and who I assumed was Cruise and started to look at the store.

  It was spacious with very tall ceilings and lots of rows displaying lots of stuff. It smelled like a woodworking shop and fresh paint.

  Metallica was playing over the sound system.

  No Muzak, not at Ace.

  Metal.

  I wasn’t surprised, and as with pretty much everything I’d experienced that was the Aces High MC, it was cool.

  We stopped close to Pinky and Cruise and I realized, after the mall drama, I’d had a good day.

  I eventually relaxed, Pinky eventually spoke up, Lorie kept gabbing a mile a minute, Driver offered light relief through frequently muttering stuff that was funny and Minnie lost the attitude and was quite nice, in a hard-as-nails kind of way.

  It might not have started great, but it got tons better, and the girls had a blast making me try stuff on and then hooting and hollering when I modeled it.

  When Tia and I, or any of my old friends and I, went shopping, we didn’t hoot and holler.

  In fact, I wasn’t certain I ever hooted and hollered or had been around anyone who did it.

  I didn’t hoot and holler with the biker babe posse either, but it made me giggle when they did.

  It wasn’t lost on me that I hadn’t had a day like this in a long time. So long, I actually couldn’t recall the last time I had one.

  In fact, so long, I wondered if I ever did.

  And, with that, it wasn’t lost on me that I owed more to Buck then a debt of safety, protection, a roof over my head, food in my belly and a fistful of “cake.”

  Cruise released Pinky, though he didn’t let her go. He hooked her around the neck and tucked her against his side. Then his eyes came to me.

  “Shit, babe, fuck, heard they nailed you, but Jesus,” he said, his gaze on my black eye.

  “Yes,” I replied for want of anything else to say.

  However, it was the truth.

  They nailed me.

  “We’re Professor Higgins to Clary,” Pinky told him, pressing into his side, wrapping her arm around his slightly protruding belly and looking up at him with a smile. “We’re making her Eliza Biker Babe.”

  Cruise grinned down at Pinky with a warmth to his face that I liked for Pinky, a great deal, then he looked at Driver.

  “Feel your pain, brother,” he muttered.

  Driver grunted.

  I smiled at Lorie then I looked at my watch.

  It was ten to five.

  Oh dear.

  I’d learned today that Buck lived thirty minutes outside of the northernmost boundary of the Valley. And although Ace was situated in North Phoenix, it was a ten-minute drive to that boundary.

  We were going to be late for his kids.

  Not good.

  I looked at Cruise and asked, “Where’s Buck?”

  “Dive,” Cruise replied, jerking his head to the back of the store. “Go down aisle one, use the back door there.” He looked at Minnie. “Gash is there too.”

  “Thanks,” I said. “Nice to meet you,” I continued even though I hadn’t really met him.

  He grinned.

  Minnie muttered, “I’ll come with.”

  Awkwardly, because I was carrying a bunch of bags, but also because I wasn’t really practiced with it, I gave out hugs to Lorie and Pinky. I left out Driver because he’d wandered behind the long counter that ran most of the front of the store and held six registers. Also because I didn’t think he wanted a girlie, post-shopping hug. He’d done enough to prove his loyalty to the Club for one day.

  Then I called out good-byes and Minnie and I wandered to the back of the store.

  I felt it necessary to speak, even though Minnie didn’t seem to feel the same need.

  “Thanks for, um…” I hesitated, “giving me a chance.”

  She let out a short laugh before she bumped her shoulder to mine while we were walking, banging my bags against my leg as she did it.

  “Babe, seriously, we need more lessons,” she noted.

  I looked at her. “What? Why?”

  “’Cause you don’t thank people for givin’ you a chanc
e. They just should. They don’t, fuck ’em.”

  “Do you think ‘fuck ’em’ about everyone?” I asked, then added, “And, well, everything?”

  “Uh…yeah,” she answered.

  I smiled at her, looked forward, saw the back door, and when we made it there, I put my bag-laden hand to the bar and shoved it open.

  I’d barely left the store, not even the doorway, but as I started to do this, I turned my head to the right and stopped so dead, Minnie ran into my back.

  I didn’t move.

  I stared.

  Outside the warehouse across the way, there were three picnic tables, where, I guessed, staff could take their breaks.

  Buck was sitting on the end of one, his legs spread wide, a tall, ultra-curvy biker babe with long, lush, wavy dark hair standing between his legs. His hand was at her waist, his head tilted back. Her hands were resting on his shoulders, her head tilted down.

  Her back was to me.

  I also had a partial view of their sides, and it wasn’t a clear view, but it looked like they were kissing.

  I felt my insides begin to burn as I retreated, running into Minnie again. I pushed her back into Ace and carefully closed the door.

  I put my hand on it and deep-breathed to put out the fire burning deep.

  “Babe,” Minnie whispered, and I looked at her.

  Her gaze took in my face and she winced.

  She’d seen it.

  She’d seen what I had.

  “Shit, already you’re in deep.” She kept whispering.

  I shook my head, but this was meaningless denial.

  I knew.

  I knew with the intensity my insides were burning that she was right.

  I was already in deep.

  I liked him.

  I liked Buck.

  I liked him more than as my protector, a good guy, the guy who was taking care of me, the guy who was good in bed, who made me smile. The guy who had my back.

  I liked him.

  He kissed my nose.

  I that kind of liked him.

  While I was coming to this realization, Minnie shouted, “Lorie!”

  I kept shaking my head.

  “No, no. See, we haven’t known each other for even a week.” As mentioned, this was true. We hadn’t. “We haven’t made vows of love and fidelity to the end of time.” This was true too. We hadn’t. “I’m staying with him because I have to. I’m not safe. He said when I’m safe I can find my own space. I don’t have any hold on him. He can kiss who he wants.”

  That was true too.

  It was true, but it stunk.

  Minnie kept staring at me as I heard the clickety-clack of Lorie and Pinky hurrying up to us. I turned to see Driver close behind.

  “Driver, hon, girl shit,” Minnie told him and then looked at Lorie. “Buck’s out there and Nails has got her tongue down his throat.”

  Pinky gasped.

  Lorie tensed.

  Driver turned swiftly around and walked the other way.

  Lorie’s arm slid around my waist while she started, “Clary, hon—”

  I pulled away from her, still shaking my head.

  “No, I’m okay. Seriously. This isn’t a big deal. It really isn’t.”

  This was not true.

  It was a big deal.

  It shouldn’t be.

  I spoke no lies. I had no claim on him. We hadn’t sworn fidelity. We hadn’t even known each other for a week.

  But this hurt.

  It hurt on so many levels, I couldn’t categorize them all.

  It hurt because he knew I’d be there any minute and he obviously didn’t intend to hide the fact that he had others, not only me.

  It hurt because Rogan and I had it good, we had it great, and still, he couldn’t keep his hands off other women knowing the promise of me was waiting at home.

  Buck hadn’t been able to have his hit off me, but obviously the promise of me for Buck, too, wasn’t worth the wait.

  Lorie, Pinky, and Minnie studied me, and I got the impression they knew I was lying.

  I found this was true when Minnie muttered, “Look at her. She’s in deep. We gotta give it to her straight.”

  Oh no.

  I didn’t want it straight.

  And from the looks on their faces, I really didn’t want it straight.

  “No, I’m okay,” I stated. “Just, maybe, one of you can go out there first. Tell him I’m here. While you do that, I’ll browse Ace.”

  And I could browse Ace.

  I was an experienced shopper, though not at home improvement stores.

  However, there had to be thirty aisles in there. I could find something to feign interest in.

  Lorie shook her head.

  “You need to know now, honey. Later…” She paused then said softly, “Finding out later won’t be too good.”

  I didn’t want to know now, and I opened my mouth to say something when Pinky spoke.

  “Nails, I get. Buck, totally uncool.”

  I turned my attention to her to see she was staring at the door and quiet, maybe-shy Pinky looked kind of mad.

  “Our men are not like other men,” Lorie went on, ignoring Pinky, and my attention shifted to her. “They are what they are. They are where they are because they are what they are. And they’re with others who are like they are.”

  I wasn’t keeping up with her because I could still feel the burn inside and my heart had begun to hurt.

  But I decided to focus on Lorie because focusing on her could take my focus off the pain.

  “They don’t like rules, so much they don’t live by them,” she continued. “Not the ones out there in the other world. They got a different set of rules, one they can live with. Out there,” she swung out her arm, “the rulebook’s got a lot of pages. Here,” she pointed to the floor, “it’s only a few lines.”

  “Okay,” I whispered, even though I didn’t really understand.

  “What she’s sayin’ is…” Minnie got closer. “They do what they wanna do when they wanna do it with who they wanna do it. You’re his woman, babe, you gotta know that’s the way and you gotta keep your mouth shut and put up with it. You do not give him shit, even if he comes home smellin’ of her. You just keep your mouth shut.”

  Oh God.

  This could not be.

  And further, it could not be for me.

  This had happened to me before, repeatedly, even if I didn’t know it until later.

  I couldn’t go through life knowing it was happening while it was happening.

  “Yeah, that’s true, but they don’t do it in your face,” Pinky hissed, and I looked at her again.

  “This is Nails,” Minnie said to Pinky.

  “I don’t care,” Pinky shot back. “It is not cool.”

  If I wasn’t in such a state, I would have been surprised Pinky had such a strong backbone.

  Or, nothing against Pinky, she was sweetness personified and I really liked her, but a backbone at all.

  “Actually, it isn’t. I’m surprised Buck would do it,” Lorie put in.

  “Jesus, it’s fuckin’ Nails,” Minnie said to Lorie.

  “Who’s Nails?” I asked, even though I didn’t want to know, just like any woman, I also did just for the opportunity to torture myself.

  “Nails is Nails,” Minnie said to me, in other words, telling me nothing.

  “Sorry?”

  “She’s Buck’s,” Lorie explained. “Not like you’re Buck’s, but,” she shrugged, “she’s Buck’s.”

  “He needs to get off, he makes a call, she traipses in,” Pinky explained.

  Oh God.

  I’d been shopping all day, learning how to look like a biker babe, and Buck had been spending the day, or part of it, screwing curvy, lush, dark-haired Nails.

  Truly, at this juncture, the questions needed to be asked.

  All of them.

  Why?

  Why did my life stink so much?

  Why, whenever things seemed to
be looking up for me, did they start stink, stink, stinking?

  Putrid.

  Foul.

  Unbearable.

  I closed my eyes and looked away but opened them again when I felt fingers wrap around my upper arm.

  I looked at Minnie who was close and had a hold of me.

  “Babe, you gotta know you can do this. I know it sucks, and it does. It sucks. But it is the way it is. You ask no questions, they tell no lies. They need to be free and you gotta let them be that way. Normally…”

  She glanced over her shoulder at the door. Her expression grew troubled, but she cleared it when she looked back at me.

  “Normally, they won’t ever throw it in your face. Not ever, babe. But you’ll know. You just ignore it and know he’ll come back to you. And he chooses you, Clara.”

  She got closer and her hand gave my arm a reassuring squeeze that didn’t reassure me and kept going.

  “If this goes the distance, and he decides to make you his old lady and do that official, he’ll always come back to you. And that’s something. I promise you, babe. Not blowing sunshine up your ass. Especially with a man like Buck, that’s definitely something.”

  I looked into her hazel eyes, hearing her heartfelt words, and I knew.

  I knew and I’d always known.

  I’d known from the minute a mother who didn’t want me expelled me from her body.

  In my life, I had to settle for as good as I could get.

  So West “Buck” Hardy wanted me for…whatever…and he might not always want me. And in the meantime, he was going to have more than just me.

  But, for now, it was as good as I could get.

  And since I had no choice….

  No choice because I simply had no choice, no money, no car, nowhere to go.

  But also no choice because I needed him to find Tia for me.

  Further, I liked Driver. I liked Lorie, Minnie and Pinky. As well as Ink. And I had a feeling I’d also like Cruise.

  Last, I had no choice, I had to admit, because I liked Buck.

  A whole lot.

  Too much.

  So much, I knew, to have those kisses on my nose and falling asleep with my head on his thigh and his fingers in my hair and the care and concern he demonstrated nearly all the time he was around me, I was going to put up with it.